Thursday 25 June 2015

Slipping Through The Cracks

I'm not going to lie and say I'm a happy person all the time.
There are days I don't want to be around anyone, literally.  My illnesses affect me in a vastly complex ways. I have a wonderful GP who I wouldn't be here if I hadn't met over fifteen years ago.
He and a few others over the years have said I should write down what I feel and maybe get it off my chest. This more important than ever now there are such high demands for mental health support and limited one-on-one sessions. So here is a snippet.

Slipping through the cracks of what used to be a life.
People turning away from me because my dark thoughts aren't so nice.
I've been feeling down for quite some time now: four years, maybe five.
Memories of better times and now my daughter are what keep me ticking by.
Week in week out at night I'm sat alone.
I can't watch the TV and abject misery it brings.
I've heard so many tell me, "You're young. Things will change..."
With two chronic illnesses, a little girl, no prospects 
and no support, no confidant to engage.
I wonder how people can pass on by when I am one of millions more, 
shuffled to the side-lines abandoned and ignored.
They say I'm angry , bitter and mean, no wonder I am alone....
But once I had support and was standing tall, all on my own.
I've had that support taken from me; there's no one left to hear my cries.
I can't take much more of these cuts;
I can see why others have already died.
I am angry that alone I have to fight:
for my dignity and fair treatment just to stay alive.
I didn't choose to live this way. It's not a choice anyone makes
but I slipped between the pavers of the rules governments make.
I couldn't toe the line enough; my minds not built that way.
I’m creative and loving and whimsical;
but that's nowhere near enough these days.
Society's become so crippled with wise cracking and a vicious streak,
with everyone's inadequacies barely hidden underneath.
To point at others and mock them and deflect the heat from you:
it's a game of poker faces, laughing – until the fingers point at you.
So who is next to feel this despair then, who's next to be singled out?
Because these cuts are only just starting of that I have no doubt.
If you think that your life's perfect and people like me bring it on ourselves,
remember I wasn't always like this. I used to be someone else.
I had a job, I worked hard; and played hard too, just like you.
Then an illness took me over and that could so easily happen to you too.
Circumstances balance on a razors edge. We never realise
what we  were truly blessed with till we are left with nothing.
.....
Where is the exit? I'm off!


Anyone else who feels like this sometimes, I hope this helps you see you are not alone xx

June, 2015, A Contributor


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